Spec Script

FRIENDS: THE ONE WHERE JOEY HAS TO WRITE A SPEC SCRIPT
BECAUSE THE JOB HE’S APPLYING FOR DOESN’T ACCEPT ORIGINAL SCRIPTS

By
Rory Bradley

INT.CAFE.DAY
JOEY (obviously) and CHANDLER (his best friend) are hanging out in The Central Perk (their local coffee shop). Also the rest of their friends are there; i.e. PHOEBE, MONICA, RACHEL and ROSS.

JOEY
Hey Chandler, I’ve got an upcoming job application I need help with; I’ve got to write a spec script for a pre-existing show!
CHANDLER
Write a script? I thought you were an actor?!
JOEY
Oh my god I’m here having a meltdown and you’re worried about whether I’m an actor or not?
CHANDLER
You’re right, I was just confused for a second so I’m glad we addressed that.
PHOEBE
I think my dead grandmother is speaking to me through this coffee.

(A roar of laughter erupts from the audience)

MONICA
Are you sure you didn’t just drink a triple espresso again?

(It gets louder)

PHOEBE
Oh yeah, that explains it!
RACHEL
Reminds me of the time Ross said he loved me, then slept with someone else.
ROSS
We were on a break!

(The laughter continues to grow, gradually becoming maniacal)

JOEY
Guys, guys, guys! I need help here the deadline is tomorrow!
CHANDLER
That’s what my mom used to tell me. Of course, she was a man at the time.

(It is now a wall of sound, making it difficult to hear the actual show)

JOEY
Can we please just focus on my issue for the next two to three minutes?
CHANDLER
Sorry Joey, how can we help?
JOEY
Well I already have this incredible script that’s super funny and intelligent but they say they won’t accept original scripts!
ROSS
Is it about a sandwich you ate?

(You tried to fight it, but now you too, have joined in the mass of laughter)

JOEY
Very funny.. This is my life we’re talking about!
ROSS
Sorry Joey, you know we’re here for you.
RACHEL
Just like when you were “here” for that girl.
ROSS
We were on a break!!!

(You can’t help yourself, you don’t know why you’re still laughing, it’s not even that funny)

CHANDLER

Okay so they won’t let you use an original script… How about writing from your experience, but applying it to a show you like?

JOEY
Hmm, that might just work… But how?
(The laughter abruptly subsides, leaving the audience bewildered as to what they’ve just experienced; as if they’ve just awakened from a trance. You wipe a tear from your eye)
CHANDLER
Well, what shows do you like?
JOEY
Oh you know, all the popular contemporary shows of this time that we’re currently in.
CHANDLER
That makes sense. So why not write a spec script for Seinfeld?

JOEY

That’s a great idea! That’s exactly what I’ll do.

The rest of the friends i.e. Phoebe, Monica, Rachel and Ross nod in agreement, as they are still a part of the scene.

INT.JOEY’S APARTMENT.NIGHT
Joey is sitting at his desk scribbling away on a notepad. He is writing a spec script:

 

 

SEINFELD: THE SPEC SCRIPT

INT.THE DINER WHERE JERRY SEINFELD AND HIS FRIENDS HANG OUT.DAY
JERRY SEINFELD (obviously) and GEORGE (his best friend) are hanging out at the diner. Also their friend ELAINE is there.

JERRY
Hey George, I’ve got an upcoming job application I need help with; I’ve got to write a spec script for a pre-existing show!
GEORGE
Write a script? I thought you were a stand-up comedian?!!
JERRY
Oh my god I’m here having a meltdown and you’re worried about whether I’m a stand-up comedian or not?
GEORGE
You’re right, I was just confused for a second so I’m glad we addressed that.

Suddenly KRAMER bursts through the diner’s door:

KRAMER
Heeeeere’s Kramer!
ELAINE
Oh my god Kramer, didn’t you ever learn to knock??!

(The laughter flares up again instantaneously, as if a switch has been flicked, though now it’s even louder)

GEORGE
Okay so they won’t let you use an original script… How about writing from your experience, but applying it to a show you like?
JERRY
Hmm, that might just work… But how?
GEORGE
Well, what shows do you like?
JERRY
Oh you know, all the popular contemporary shows of this time that we’re currently in.
GEORGE
That makes sense. So why not write a spec script for The Big Bang Theory?
JERRY
That’s a great idea!
ELAINE
Hey does that show even exist yet?
KRAMER
Hoochie-Mama!

(The glass casing on the laugh-o-meter begins to crack – And then just like that, the laughter disappears, leaving the audience shell-shocked and shaken)

INT.JERRY’S APARTMENT.NIGHT
Jerry is sitting at his desk scribbling away on a notepad. He is writing a spec script:

 

 

THE BIG BANG THEORY: THE SPEC SCRIPT CONUNDRUM

INT.THE PLACE WHERE THE PEOPLE FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY HANG OUT.DAY

THE GUY WITH THE GLASSES (obviously) and THE KIND OF WEIRD BUT VERY FUNNY GUY (his best friend) are hanging out in The Guy With The Glasses’ apartment. Also the rest of their friends are there; i.e. THE FOREIGN ONE and THE OTHER ONE, a.k.a. the people who aren’t THE GIRL ONE.

THE GUY WITH THE GLASSES
Hey bro, I’ve got an upcoming job application I need help with; I’ve got to write a spec script for a pre-existing show!
THE KIND OF WEIRD BUT VERY FUNNY GUY
Write a script? I thought you were a scientist?!
THE GUY WITH THE GLASSES
Can we please just get this over with?
THE FOREIGN ONE
I am offended by your western ways!

(The laughter returns with an unbridled vengeance, shaking the foundations of civilization as we know it, threatening to return us to the dust)

THE OTHER ONE
In my scientific opinion, the best way to approach the problem is to create a chart of all pre-existing shows, then create another list of your past experiences, then cross reference the two lists and see which show is best suited to your experiences.
THE KIND OF WEIRD BUT VERY FUNNY GUY
In my scientific opinion, I need to pee.

(The laugh-o-meter has caught fire, no one seems to notice, you can’t breathe)
Suddenly the door swings open to reveal:

THE GIRL ONE
Can everybody please keep it down????!

(The laughter has reached maximum velocity, creating a surge of pure energy that sweeps across the globe, wiping out everything with a pulse. All that’s left is one of those spring-horses rocking back and forth in some sort of desolate, post-apocalyptic playground)

THE FOREIGN ONE
That’s all folks!

(No one is left to enjoy the funny face he is pulling)

INT.JERRY’S APARTMENT.EARLY MORNING.THAT MUSIC THAT PLAYS WHEN PEOPLE ARE WAKING UP FROM A DREAM PLAYS
Jerry leans back in his chair. He’s done it. He’s literally written the best spec script ever. And he knows it.

INT.JOEY’S APARTMENT.EARLY MORNING.THAT MUSIC THAT PLAYS WHEN PEOPLE ARE WAKING UP FROM A DREAM PLAYS
Joey leans back in his chair. He’s done it. He’s literally written the best spec script ever. And he knows it.

INT.RORY’S APARTMENT.EARLY MORNING.THAT MUSIC THAT PLAYS WHEN PEOPLE ARE WAKING UP FROM A DREAM PLAYS
Rory leans back in his chair. He’s pretty sure he’s got the job.

(You feel empty inside)

FADE TO BLACK