KNOCK FIRST: A TALE OF THE HIGH SEAS
by Rory Bradley
EXT. HIGH SEAS — PIRATE SHIP — THE MAGIC HOUR
A crew of swarthy swashbucklers go about their daily duties aboard the HSS Sea Biscuit (think the pirate ship from Treasure Island meets the pirate ship from Pirates of the Caribbean meets the pirate ship from your general knowledge of pirate ships). We can almost smell their toil as the sweltering sun beats down on their backs, hotter than Pamela Anderson in a bathing suit. TIMMY FANCYPANTS is hard at work scrubbing the deck, all the while muttering disgruntled ramblings.
Suddenly a parrot squawk cuts through the air like a victory cry, signalling the break for lunch (think the bird from the opening of The Flintstones meets that Friday feeling). There is a bustle of bodies as everyone immediately drops what they’re doing and hurriedly makes their way below deck.
INT. BELOW DECK — CANTEEN
The dimly lit canteen is filled with a cacophony of sound as the motley crew gulp down their slop (think the sound of eating dinner multiplied by like, a million). The room is a jumble of benches covered by hodgepodge pirates regaling their salty tales of giant squids and ghost ships whilst they eat. Fancypants shuffles wearily through the throng carrying his own bowl of slop. He finds his regular spot at one of the benches and slides himself in. Moments later he is joined by a personable pirate with a carefree swagger and a hook for a hand; it’s his best-mate (pirate pun intended), the formidable super-sailor, ÉOIN NAUGHTEN. Naughten greets Fancypants with a hearty slap on the back and immediately dives straight into conversation.
The conversation drifts to more general pirate talk, seagulls and waves etc. Before long Fancypants excuses himself from the bench and starts towards the sign marked ‘Here Be Toilets’ at the back of the canteen.
INT. BELOW DECK — CREAKY CORRIDOR
Fancypants makes his way down a creaky corridor, swaying slightly with the motion of the sea. As he approaches the door marked W.C. he holds his nose in grim anticipation of the stench that awaits. He knocks on the door, and without hesitation, begins to open it. As he does so he hears a startled cry from within, but it’s too late! He is suddenly face to face with CAP’N JERK SCALLYWAG (think Bluebeard meets Blackbeard) who is sat stupefied on the toilet. There is an ultra-awkward split-second when their eyes meet (think that feel when you walk in on someone using the toilet times like, a million). Fancypants immediately slams the door and scuttles hastily back down the corridor.
EXT. PIRATE-SHIP — LATER THAT EVENING
Fancypants, Naughten and the rest of the crew are lined up side by side on the deck. There is a low murmur of excitement among them. Naughten whispers to Fancypants.
Fancypants begins to reply but as he does the fearsome Cap’n Scallywag appears on deck. The crew immediately goes silent as he clears his throat.
Scallywag begins to walk along the men.
Naughten grins at Fancypants as Scallywag moves up the line towards them.
Scallywag stops in front of the duo and turns towards them. He meets Fancypants’ eyes for an instant, but a surge of awkward energy forces him to look away. He hesitates and looks to the left of Fancypants…
The announcement causes a look of confusion and panic on both Naughten, and to a greater extent, Fancypants’ face. Naughten is suddenly swarmed by the other crew members.
As the crew carry Naughten off to celebrate below deck, Fancypants is left dumb-struck, staring up at the sky in a daze. After a moment he lowers his head, a look of crushing realisation dawns on his face.
INT. BELOW DECK — THE SAME CREAKY CORRIDOR — TWO WEEKS LATER
Fancypants once again traverses the creaky corridor towards the W.C. Once again he stops outside the door and knocks, however this time, he waits until he is sure there is no one inside before entering.
CREDITS ROLL