We’ve all been there: a little too much of the devil’s jamba juice the night before has left us sad, decrepit, and in dire need of redemption. Well fear not, this simple recipe will leave even the most dehydrated degenerates feeling radically rejuvenated and ready to rock.
Serves: 1 Prep Time: Relative
1x Glass of water
1x Flux capacitor
1x Unspecified amount of weapons grade plutonium
1x Enthusiastic local teen
1x Parking lot
1x Group of Libyan terrorists
1x Prom night
1x High school drama
1x Lightning storm
1x Clock tower
1x Huey Lewis classic
1x Accomplished copyright lawyer
1. Assemble a time-machine using the Delorean, flux capacitor, and unspecified amount of weapons grade plutonium.
2. Drive the Delorean/time-machine to the local mall’s parking lot to meet the enthusiastic teen.
3. Get shot by Libyan terrorists.
4. Wait for the local teen to use the Delorean to travel back in time to meet your past self and warn them (you) to drink a glass of water before going to bed on the night they (you) will get drunk in the future. Also, to wear body armour on the day they (you) will get shot.
5. At this stage in the process the teen may get trapped in the past. If so, you (as your past self) must help them get back to the future by executing an elaborate plan involving prom night, some high school drama, a clock tower, a lightning storm, and the Delorean/time-machine. While helping the teen navigate their way out of the past you’ll need to ensure they don’t create a paradox in the space-time continuum by making their own mother fall in love with them. Don’t worry if they invent a little rock’n’roll on the side though.
6. If you’ve followed the instructions correctly you should now find your present self hangover free thanks to the glass of water you drank, and bullet free thanks to the body armour.
7. Ignore the fact that you’ve changed basically everything else about the present.
8. Disappear on another time adventure.
9. Arrive back in time to set up a sequel.
10. Cue “Back In Time” by Huey Lewis and The News.
And it’s as simple as that! You’re now ready to face the world, fresh as the day you exited your mother’s womb.